A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday