A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Cat.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?