A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..