A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
A classic…
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.