A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
You Might Also Like
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
i made a craigslist ad !
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.