A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I didn’t realize that was an option
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.