a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
constantly working on myself.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
the saddest jazz hands ever
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Sponch
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Nothing to do, you say?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.