A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.