A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.