A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.