A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Same pineapple, same
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel