A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away

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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.


Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.


the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.


[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?


why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no