@MarkTConard Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
@Where__wolf A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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@MarkTConard 
@leftarmisme Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
@RiotGrlErin the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
@Brampersandon_ [office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
@CarpentersCrack Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
@wolfpupy why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
@mattgallo123 <job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
@continentlbkfst [before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
@TheCareBare How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
@shenanigansen 