*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
thinking about a very short hotdog
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.