a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
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The government even made aliens boring
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice