A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Bike for sale
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Sponch
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…