*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?