*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close