A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.