@im_all_id

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

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@DaveTheAlbino

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

@treydayway

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@GemmaBlaze

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@Hmmm_er

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@ToriTheMom

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.