A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
You Might Also Like
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
😜
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”