A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

You Might Also Like


Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.


I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.


[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]


She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe


“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.


Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.