@DaveTheAlbino Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
@im_all_id A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
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@DaveTheAlbino 
@a_simpl_man Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
@treydayway I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
@JermHimselfish “I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
@GemmaBlaze If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
@pleatedjeans [standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
@Hmmm_er She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
@DadandBuried “Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
@Rollinon31s 👀
@ToriTheMom Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.