a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.