A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪