When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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me linking you to my twitter
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right