A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
You Might Also Like
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A little too much information.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]