@BlackCatBettie

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

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@KarenLyneButler

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@yung__spider

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

@OminousHallways

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

@EllaZee5

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right