A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.