A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
english majors be like furthermore
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
moms in horror movies
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’