a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.