A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.