A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
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[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Seems a bit forward
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?