A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Happy thanksgiving
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.