A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine