A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Social distancing in Australia:
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”