A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911