A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Rather alarming headline…
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*