A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.