a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I thought this was funny lol
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*