A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.