A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
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[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.