A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine


[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people


Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.


my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides


A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding


I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater


Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.


Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.


Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.