A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*