A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.