A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that