A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
me: clean your room
(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*
And now we wait.
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan