A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.