A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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These aliens are taking forever.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
This forever.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
How animals would run if they were human
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.