A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
You Might Also Like
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
This classic never gets old . . .
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
new shirt idea
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.