A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”