A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids