A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
is this meant to deter me
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.