A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
LOOOOOOL
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
🙀🙀🙀😹
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”