@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

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@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@LuckoftheDraw86

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

@Norsebysw

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail