@KalvinMacleod [first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
@SvnSxty a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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@KalvinMacleod 
@ShtFatGirlsSay Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
@jewfacekilla “Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
@thejessbess A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
@midwestern_ope True
@PhuckinCody ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
@LuckoftheDraw86 I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
@Norsebysw He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
@tastefactory BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail