HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
– a casual ghost
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail