a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Who.
Did.
This?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭