A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.