A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You Might Also Like
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother