A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.