A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Art by Pastelkatto
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off