A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?